Dear God
by Desolated Rogue
Summary: Alright, I don't recomend reading this. This isn't exactly a... 'happy' letter. It's something I wrote that I'm not particularily proud of but have to get off my chest. This is kind of an 'anger' letter type thingy so... I don't recommend reading it.


Alright, please don't yell at me, flame me, whatever, cuz it's not going to make much effect. Please don't preach, or lecture me, because it's really not going to do much. Please don't be angry with me or upset, I know this isn't a nice 'letter' and I'm rude and mean, but this is a rant, it's not suppose to be a rational thought. This is, however, something I've been struggling with for a long time and no help was come to me, so I wrote this to try and let it out. And why did I post this if I don't want someone to preach or lecture me, not sure. I guess I want to find out if many others have experianced this or anything. I don't know. Meh.  
  
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Dear God,  
  
Hey, I'm writing you a letter. Why? For several reasons. One being, I don't feel you anymore. I've forgotten what it's like to feel you. For a long time now. I've tried, no one can tell me that I haven't. I've prayed, morning and evening. I've went to church, read the Bible, and gone to youth group. All in a hope that I could regain that amazing faith I once had. I lost it though, I don't know how. I don't really care. I wanted it back, and part of me still does, but another's stopped believing. This part isn't small either. I've had serious doubts.  
  
I've prayed, okay, I've begged! I've read the Bible nearly every night, I've went to church! Sure I haven't talke to anyone about it, but this is between you and me. US! And anyway, the others would give me advice that'll do nothing for me. They'll tell me to 'try harder' to 'Stick it out' I've tried! Hard! I've tried real freaking hard and have gotten NOWHERE! It's only gotten WORSE! I beg, I plead, but there is no answer. I've nearly cried, and you know just as well as me how so very difficult it is for me to cry.  
  
I guess it doesn't help my faith either that some of your black and white rules make me mad. I'm not lesbian, I'm not bi, I don't know many people who are, but why the heck is it so bad for them to get married?! For them to share love! You made marriage for male and female, so that's why Christians believe it's not right for them to get married. Me, I want to know why you so adamently banned it. I mean, if I were to say to one person, "White's are evil." They'd ask, "Why do you say that?" But with you, no, they don't ask, you're perfect, you're all knowing. You don't need reasons. You could tell us that people who listen to pop music sin when they do and we'd believe you without question.  
  
What are you afraid of? If two people are in love, shouldn't they be able to make a vow to each other? Why is it so freaking bad that they love like that? And don't say 'because I say so' because that's left those Christians to use the argument, "It's immoral."  
  
"How's that?"  
  
"God said so in the Bible."  
  
GAAAAHHHH! Makes me want to scream! But no, I don't, I just defend. I say, when I defend, things that even I know aren't true about you.  
  
"God's a father, the perfect father. If I were to go out and marry a man my father forbidded me to, yeah he'd be angry, yeah he'd punish me, but he'd understand, he'd love me, and he'd take me in." And there I'd be implying that you said it so firmly so most people wouldn't, even though it wouldn't be so bad. But I know that's wrong, I know that you're truly so freaking against it. That makes me mad. Some of those people can't help it.  
  
Estrogen, it's a femine hormone. Some men have more then others, and it leaves them with a desire for men. You make us the way we are? Why do you give them that, then tell them it's evil to love those you've programmed them to love? I hate it! But you're perfect... right? You're all rightouts. How could you be?! When you do that.  
  
This is where the big doubt comes in. See, I'd tell you that I'm angry with you, but I'm not really. I'm angry at your followers. I don't believe in you enough, have faith in you enough, to be angry at you. It's like being angry at a wall. This letter here, it feels like it's addressed to me but just needs to be formatted as letter to someone else. Even if I don't feel they exist.  
  
I want to believe in you; from experience, I should know without a doubt that you exist, but I can't help it. You've done nothing to bring me back to my faith despite my pleading and my efforts. I don't know how long I can wait. I can't do this on my own. I'm just a teen. I CAN'T DO THIS ON MY OWN!!!!  
  
Everyone, my mom, my grandma, they keep telling me that their in awe of my faith, that I'll be able to make it through this world because of my immense faith. My question: What faith?  
  
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Yup, pleasant thoughts. But... like I've said, don't lecture me and DON'T tell me I'm completely wrong. If you want to review, just keep this in mind. If not, okay. This is my way of throwing things out and releasing. Or at least, I'm trying it out to see if it helps. Meh 


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